my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
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