my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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