I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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