Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
