The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
