How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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