I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
