It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
