Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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