If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
