You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize