I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
