Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
