So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize