I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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