This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
