Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
