its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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