He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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