my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
