I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
