I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
