Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
