My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
