it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
A+ Viking dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
