I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
