I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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