The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
