So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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