Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
