If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
