Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
