i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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