lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
