I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
