The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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