I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My bed smells like the plague
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
