Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize