Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
