Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need to calm my uterus...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
