So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
