I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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