So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
