the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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