Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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