You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I fill condoms, not promises.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
