I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
