Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
