4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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