in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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