Cold hands, warm shart.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
