my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
