I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
