This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
