I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
