i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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