Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
