and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
