Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
