I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
