Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize