I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
