think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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