good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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